‘Sharing is Caring’…and Complicated!

Read time: 3 min

Key Takeaways: 

• Sharing is a complex skill that requires multiple social-emotional abilities, not just taking turns.
• Simply telling kids to “share” doesn’t teach them how to navigate conflicts or collaborate effectively.
• Adults play a key role in guiding children through sharing struggles by keeping interactions safe and neutral.
• Teaching real sharing skills involves helping kids communicate, understand different perspectives, and problem-solve together. 

‘Sharing is Caring’…and Complicated!

One of the biggest challenges children face when they start school – or even when they play with siblings and friends – is sharing. You see this over and over again. Sometimes it looks like two kids pulling on the same item, or chasing each other to take it. Sometimes, you see two children arguing about who had it first. Other times, one child asks for a turn, and the other child ignores them. And the adults often offer their direction and advice. It might be, “Share,” “It’s nice to share,” “Sharing is caring!” or even a little more of a specific direction like, “Take turns.” And yet, this often does not work.

Why Kids Can’t Share When We Ask Them to

Sharing is hard and complicated. Sharing means so many things. Sometimes, it means splitting up the materials, like blocks. Other times, it means using an item together, such as working to build the same tower. And in some cases, it means taking turns, which brings its own challenges, like deciding who goes first and how long the turn should last. But, most of the time, in the end, the adult ends up deciding who gets the “thing” first. 

Children do not yet have the skills to manage the process of sharing. And, ironically, children are expected to share more in preschool than at any other time in their lives. So, how DO children actually learn to share?

How Children Really Learn to Share

Children do not learn how to share from teaching them about the importance of sharing. They learn it by doing it with the guidance of a skilled adult. To help children develop the skills of sharing, adults need to step into the challenge with them and guide them through the process in real time. While it’s sometimes necessary to enforce rules and set boundaries to keep things safe, the adult’s primary role is to support the process—not to play the referee. In other words, let go of being the judge who comes in and decides who gets it and for how long. This is a job that never ends. And the more we take it on, the more kids run to the adult to solve the problem. 

Here’s a 3 step process to help adults guide children through sharing challenges effectively.

Keep it Safe

Before you step in to talk, it’s often the case that you have to hold the toy in question, or stand in front of the slide or have kids step away from the block tower. Because when one child is still playing with the toy, and the other is not, it’s really hard to engage and hear one another. And if they are pulling on a doll or pushing over someone's block tower, stress is too high to listen to anyone. As you hold the toy, be sure to reassure. This is not a punishment for having a conflict. It might sound like:

“I am going to hold the toy while we talk and figure it out, but I am not keeping it. You will get it back.”

Describe What is Happening 

In order to slow things down, make it clear what you are talking about, and take judgment and defensiveness out of the equation, describe just what you see and hear in a neutral way. Avoid statements like, “Jay had it first, and Ami took it,” which can make one child feel blamed and defensive. Instead, try something like this:

“Jay was throwing the ball into the basket. Ami caught it, picked it up and is carrying it around the playground. Jay is asking for the ball back.”  

Neutral descriptions open the door to understanding without any judgement. 

Show Acceptance of Each Child's Feelings and Perspective

While you may be able to quickly come up with a solution…such as, “Why don’t you both take turns throwing the ball in the basket?” Or “Ami, give it back,” you miss an opportunity for the children to learn how to work through this. Instead, start by offering each child some empathy. It might sound like:

“Jay, you were throwing the ball in the basket and were not finished playing with it.”

“Ami, you saw the ball over there and picked it up and thought it was your turn to use it.”

Give them a chance to respond. This is powerful as they both will feel understood by you, and also have a little insight into the other child’s perspective. 

By keeping the conversation observational you might just learn more…maybe Ami actually wanted to play with Jay. Maybe she has another idea for the ball and taking a turn after Jay will meet her needs. Ultimately, it's more about feeling heard, understood, and having a fair process than it is about the ball. 

Once you have a better idea of each child’s perspective and feelings, you are better able to brainstorm ideas that meet their needs. And children might surprise you. They might come up with an idea that you did not. And by walking them through this process, they are more likely to learn the many nuances of sharing. 

So, the next time you are tempted to simply say, “Share” or “Take turns,” pause, and ask yourself: Do they know how to make that happen? Will this solution meet both of their needs? If the answer is no, take the opportunity to guide them through the process instead. 

Dive Deeper

Children need many skills in order to learn how to share with one another. They need self-awareness to know what they want and they need to know how to communicate their concerns. They need to be able to hear and understand the perspective of another child. But most importantly a child needs a supportive adult dedicated to encouraging them to learn and grow. To help children build these and other essential social-emotional skills, check out our courses on Building Social Emotional Resilience.