Can You Plan the Perfect Summer?

Read time 4-5 minutes

Key Takeaways: 

• Why a “perfect” summer schedule might actually work against your child’s emotional well-being

• How to spot the hidden signs your child needs more connection—not more activities

• A simple but powerful way to respond when your child resists the plan (without guilt or defensiveness)

How to Manage the Balance You and Your Child Need

Summer is here…and as parents this comes with so many mixed emotions.

Part of you is relieved to see the end of waking your child up and getting them out the door, carpool line, permission slips, and the never ending demands on your and your child’s days.

And you may also be thinking about quality time with your child…those romanticized visions of laying in the grass and naming cloud shapes might be coming to mind. 

However, you may also be dreading figuring out how to fill your child’s days, while you try to work, or even if you are home and simply trying to stay in a routine.

Needs for Structure and Engagement

Putting your own needs aside for a moment (just a moment here…stay with me), it’s very difficult to figure out how much structured time, social opportunities your child needs to thrive in summer. Almost as soon as you finish the end of year gift buying and card writing for teachers, you are inundated with new forms for camp, summer reading lists, extended family vacations, swim lesson opportunities, and neighborhood activities…..along with your own child’s requests for movies, trips to the ice cream shop, a playdate with her friend from school, or going to the zoo. Even when you can feel a need for your family to just be…these pressures are there. Learning loss is a term you might be reading about. Perhaps just as you are feeling satisfied because you spent a morning getting things done while your child happily rewatched their favorite movie, your neighbor texts you that they are missing you all at the nature center event that you talked about. And in fact, you may feel deep down that your child does require a certain amount of time with peers and out in the community to grow and learn this summer.

Needs for Down Time and Freedom

Conversely, you may struggle with guilt that you have overscheduled your child. Perhaps they are scheduled for camps that you researched and planned meticulously so that you could work and your child could experience new things this summer and stay engaged socially. Then as you all fall out of the van at the end of the day, exhausted, you see a post by a friend from school with children covered in daisy chains playing freely in the woods. 

What Children Need Most of All

Here’s the thing. You already likely have a sense of how much your child needs and what you as a family need to care for yourselves (yes, I got back to you) and your child. You may need more time to work or even to think on your own. Or, you may be someone that has time to hang out with their child and less capacity or resources for camps and trips. And chances are, you also will make some mistakes and adjust. What matters more than any of this, is how you manage it with your child, how you interact during the time you do have, and honestly, how you take care of yourself so you can care for your child.

This is because early relational health is the biggest predictor of positive outcomes for children, over which camp you did or did not go to. Your child is building resilience through their relationship with you (and other parents/teachers close to them). It turns out that there are specific things parents do to build social emotional resilience. And like everything else, you have to take care of yourself so you can do these things.

One Key Skill 

A key factor in early relational health is feeling understood. 

So, when your child says, “I don’t want to go to camp!”, responding empathically builds connection and lowers stress. This might sound like.. “You are tired this morning and wish we could stay home”, or “You are still feeling nervous about camp.” In doing so, you do not dismiss their feelings, but accept them. From there you can better understand what they are feeling and how you might help.

 This is really hard to do if you are feeling guilty or like a bad parent who overscheduled your child. If you feel that way, you might be more likely to respond, “Camp is fun! You are going on a nature hike today. You said you wanted to do that.” This feels a bit dismissive. And even if they also might need to know the plans, they first need to feel understood and validated. In this way you can work through any concerns they have about the activities, the adults there or the new social landscape.

Conversely, for the child who is complaining that they want to go to the camp that Zoe goes to instead of playing in the yard today, showing understanding and acceptance of their feelings might sound like, “Zoe’s camp sounds fun and you wish you could try it.” Rather than, “It’s a long day for you and remember, your cousin is coming over to play.” 

Your connected relationship—and being able to lean in to meet their core needs for understanding—is more important than planning the perfect summer. 

And in better understanding your child, you are actually more likely to meet their needs. Because maybe the feeling around Zoe’s camp is more related to wanting to see Zoe than to being in camp.

Give yourself a break. By taking care of your own needs as a parent, you are more likely to be able to hear  your child’s concerns and take them in without being overwhelmed. And then you can hear what underlying feelings and needs are really there. It takes time to learn these skills and behaviors that are associated with early relational health. Go to Thrive! Creating Connection, Collaboration & Control to learn more.