We Love to Talk About Our Kids

If you are a parent, or talk to parents, one of the first things you ask about or talk about is how your kids are doing. This makes sense. Our children are often at the forefront of our minds, and our happiness and satisfaction with life are impacted by how our kids are doing. We enjoy talking about them and appreciate the interest of others. However, these conversations can often be a window into our values as parents. Because lately, and as our children get older, it seems to become farther and farther away from who their children are and closer to their resume of accomplishments.

What To Share?

When someone asks how a child is doing, we often hear what grade they are in, what school, and what other accomplishments they can claim…good at the piano, on a travel soccer team…etc. As they get older, it continues, school clubs, awards, and even if they have a girlfriend or boyfriend. To be fair, all of these are indicators of how they...

Why You Should Share How You Feel

Research shows that it is important for adults to share their emotions with children. Dr. John Gottman points out that Emotion Coaching parents are effective in raising emotionally intelligent children, and these parents “value the purpose and power of emotions in their lives, they are not afraid to show emotions around their children.” (Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child, Gottman, 1997.) Furthermore, children become better able to regulate their own responses to strong emotions when we are able to share our own feelings (both negative and positive). In other words, children need their parents to be able to express their feelings in order to build the connected relationships that lead to social emotional resilience. 

There are some real challenges to do that. Many adults are not equipped to do so, and one of the most common mistakes I see teachers and parents make is to simply say: “That makes me sad.” in response...

When you think “parenting class”, that is pretty broad. And while some parents cannot get enough of books and classes on how to be a better parent, others are overwhelmed and skeptical. The broad term of “parenting class” can cover everything from childproofing your home to nutrition to  helping your children understand money. And we all learn that while these classes are helpful, you also need to adjust to your own child, family values, and what you can do. We do need guidance because we are not born with parenting abilities, and even if you had great models in your parents, the world keeps changing. I know that I have always leaned into any article on managing screens and video games. I had no history to lean on because we did not have the constant access to TV and media, so my parents never had to manage that. 

So, how do you know when to take a class, will it actually be helpful, and after all what about our parental instincts? Sometimes advice...

What we are getting wrong and why

Billions of dollars are spent every year to help children develop better social emotional skills. And yet, we still can’t seem to get it right.  This is evidenced through readiness assessments, as well as children being expelled or suspended from school at an alarming rate. 

Social emotional skills include self awareness, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision making and self management. As children develop these skills, parents and educators are often working from misguided assumptions and outdated approaches, and may find themselves increasingly frustrated. 

Faulty Assumptions Around Social Emotional Skills Get In Our Way

It turns out that the reason many of our approaches either don’t work, or even make things worse, is that they are based on faulty assumptions about what social emotional learning is, and how it develops, as well as our misunderstandings around why challenging behaviors exist. In...

The Stress of Responding to Parents at the end of the day

Teacher stress is high. And while children running down the hall, new curriculum, and observations are all triggers for stress, there is one that can be equally stressful… the parent at the end of the day, who asks: “Was it a good day? Or a bad day?” while their child is standing there looking up for the answer. This is complicated – perhaps on one hand this child may have solved a difficult puzzle or helped another child who was sad, but then, at the end of the day, they ran ahead of the whole class and almost ran out the door and you had to chase him – so what do you say? You really don’t have the time or energy to get into the chase right now. You also can’t run down everything that went well. But here they are asking, so you say something vague or not helpful, "Not so good! We’re working on staying with the class.” or you don’t even want to start this...

This is Supposed to Be Fun!

Many families celebrate the holidays this time of year, and if you’re lucky, you may be looking forward to gatherings and family traditions. As a parent, you want those family traditions and gatherings to be special, warm, and wonderful for your children, yet so many things can get in the way – such as when your children’s behavior is not as expected. Whether they won’t join the family picture or they won’t respond to a grandparent, these moments can be really stressful. You might start to feel like, “What if everyone thinks my kids are badly behaved (or that I am a bad parent.)?” or even, “What if I AM a bad parent?”  It really helps to understand why these things happen and what we miss along the way. (Spoiler alert, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.) 

It's Not Always What You Think

Even if your child is excited about a family party, a trip to get a tree, or the lighting of...

Say “Sorry!”

Many parents have heard or figured out that it can backfire when we make or ask a child to say they are sorry. When they refuse, we feel stuck and the hurt party feels worse. Or we get an angry, “Sorry!” hurled at the other child. However, we often don’t know what to do to help our child develop and express empathy or remorse. And, we find that when they don’t say it, well meaning adults see your child as uncaring. But, experience tells me this is quite the opposite.

Understanding the Child First

To understand the child after an incident, let’s break it down. We have all been there: one child hit, or grabbed from, or said some hurtful words to another child. The hurt child may be crying or otherwise making clear how hurt they are. But the offender, for lack of a better term, is also struggling. To understand that child, we need to step into their shoes.

The Stress Response when A Child has Hurt Another Child...

When your child acts out or in

As parents, we recognize that when our child hesitates to enter a party, or looks down and fiddles with something, that they might be feeling nervous or anxious. And when we see anxiety present in this way, we want to help. We don’t always know how, but seeing your child be nervous to talk to someone or anxious to try something new usually brings out our feelings of empathy and compassion – well maybe our own anxiety, too. 

But what about when our child is running around teasing their sister before school? Or when they snap at you in the car at pick up? Chances are you feel annoyed, maybe even angry. But, quite often this, too, is how anxiety can show up in children.

Children with stress or anxiety will act out or act in, and they are likely to elicit different responses. If you, as a parent can understand these, you can alter your response. 

When Anxiety Gets in the way

Anxiety, whether a pervasive issue for your child or...

Parents can take a course to interrupt the anxiety cycle and help

A certain amount of worry is not only normal, but helpful. When you begin to worry about an upcoming event, you might better prepare. However, sometimes it becomes too overwhelming that you avoid it or feel so anxious, you can’t think clearly. Anxiety, in all forms, is when you (or your child) is experiencing a sense of dread, unease surrounding something that is upcoming or that the child fears is upcoming. This may be around challenges in school or sports, it can be around separation, social acceptance, or other experiences. And while the idea that anxiety is not around something actually happening in the moment, it’s not “all in your head”. It’s based on past experiences or real worries. The problem is that children often get stuck in a cycle of anxiety – they are overwhelmed and fearful of a social event, the anxiety gets so high that they can’t think, or take it...

When your child falls apart after school, it's hard to know what to do. Part of you wonders if they had a terrible day and there is something you need to know. Which inspires questions… Which results in complete collapse.

Why is this happening?  And what can we do about it?

If you have children, you know that the time you pick your child up after school, or meet them after the bus ride can be very unpredictable. We all want to hear about the day, to reconnect, and set the tone for the rest of the day. And yet often that is not what happens. Sometimes, children come to the car and present as demanding, …you know, “Where is my snack?” “ Why were you the last one here?” or annoyed, “I don’t remember. Ugh!”.  And this can flare our own stress, even hurt our feelings, and trigger worries about whether we have raised a respectful child. On the other hand, you might just get really quiet, non-responsiveness...