Changing the Way You Think to Build a Stronger Relationship

Understanding challenging behavior can shift how you respond

The Challenge

If you have ever cared for, parented, or taught a child, you have likely had some experience like this. A child is doing something you KNOW they know not to do. Maybe running the other way when it’s time to leave the playground. Maybe it’s banging that toy loudly again and again, or simply leaving their mess without any effort to clean it up. And when it happens, you are likely familiar with feeling annoyed, frustrated, mad, or even hurt. 

So what do you say in your head? That they’re trying to drive you crazy? That you (or someone else) have just not been strict enough with this kid? That they simply do not appreciate, respect, or even like you? 

The thing is, we have all had some experience with this feeling. And it feels bad. And it rarely leads to understanding, connection, or positive change and growth. And you feel powerless.

The First Step

So, the first step is to change the way you are thinking. This is where you have the power to make a significant change to the dynamics. And of course, this is easier said than done. But it starts with a better understanding of why challenging behaviors occur, the stress response, and how children actually develop the social-emotional skills they need to cope and behave.

Why does challenging behavior occur?

It's not because children just want attention, or because they are trying to push your buttons, even if the look on their face says they do. In fact, children exhibit challenging behaviors for two reasons: they don't have the skills to cope with the demands presented, and they don't have the skills to get their needs met. For example, when the child who runs away on the playground, does not likely have the skills to express how they feel about the end of playtime, switch gears to the next activity, or manage their own frustration. 

What Role Does Stress Play? 

Add to that the stress response. When a child feels stressed, because they cannot manage disappointment or are worried about the next activity, their stress goes up. And when that happens, cortisol is released in their body. Cortisol can block the ability to think, listen, problem solve, and learn. And cortisol is released for up to 20 minutes and remains in the child’s system for up to 3 hours. So, when they’re running, this is not necessarily a calculated effort to get more time; it's a stress response. When stressed, we often go into a fight, flight, or freeze mode. Fight can look like arguing, hitting, or just banging the toy again and again when asked to stop. Flight can literally be running away or simply checking out. And freeze can be simply not responding, which can look like you're being ignored. 

What changes when you lead with understanding?

When you are more clear that a child doesn’t necessarily have the skills to manage a situation and address their own needs, AND are further limited by stress, this change of thinking can really help. It can help you feel less attacked, ignored, or angry. It can lower YOUR stress (a little), which helps you think. It can change your reaction and your approach. And ultimately have a positive impact on your relationship. Which really matters.

Where Do Social-Emotional Skills Really Come From?

By shifting your understanding and strengthening your connection, you help your child develop the skills they need to thrive. So maybe next time they are struggling to leave the playground, they may express that they’re worried they don’t know when you will come back, or frustrated that they never got a turn on the swing, instead of running. 

So, how do you get there? It turns out that there are specific behaviors that adults show in quality relationships. They include showing understanding and acceptance of emotions, sharing authentically how they feel without judgment, solving problems collaboratively, setting clear boundaries and expectations, and holding each other accountable. And yes, that is a lot. Each of these is hard to do. And finding the balance is even harder. To build the skills, check out the courses on Mariposa’s website. In the meantime, start with simply changing the way you think.