We Love to Talk About Our Kids

If you are a parent, or talk to parents, one of the first things you ask about or talk about is how your kids are doing. This makes sense. Our children are often at the forefront of our minds, and our happiness and satisfaction with life are impacted by how our kids are doing. We enjoy talking about them and appreciate the interest of others. However, these conversations can often be a window into our values as parents. Because lately, and as our children get older, it seems to become farther and farther away from who their children are and closer to their resume of accomplishments.

What To Share?

When someone asks how a child is doing, we often hear what grade they are in, what school, and what other accomplishments they can claim…good at the piano, on a travel soccer team…etc. As they get older, it continues, school clubs, awards, and even if they have a girlfriend or boyfriend. To be fair, all of these are indicators of how they...

Why You Should Share How You Feel

Research shows that it is important for adults to share their emotions with children. Dr. John Gottman points out that Emotion Coaching parents are effective in raising emotionally intelligent children, and these parents “value the purpose and power of emotions in their lives, they are not afraid to show emotions around their children.” (Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child, Gottman, 1997.) Furthermore, children become better able to regulate their own responses to strong emotions when we are able to share our own feelings (both negative and positive). In other words, children need their parents to be able to express their feelings in order to build the connected relationships that lead to social emotional resilience. 

There are some real challenges to do that. Many adults are not equipped to do so, and one of the most common mistakes I see teachers and parents make is to simply say: “That makes me sad.” in response...

Anxiety has been rising in children even before the pandemic and now some studies say it has doubled, which means anxiety is also high in parents, because it is contagious and it's spreading as fast as the virus. While this seems like there is little you can do to stop it, there are things you can do to mitigate the impact and help your child lower the anxiety as well as move through it to do hard things.

Why our efforts to help an anxious child often fail

When our children are anxious, they can’t think as well and they have difficulty doing things, which makes the anxiety worse. It's cyclical. And we know that if they worried less and just talked to that friend, walked into that room, started that project, or just tried to go into their room alone, they could see they could do it on their own. The problem is — telling your child this information rarely works — we don’t calm down because someone tells us to. And while they may need some...